I have a need to get up on my soap box and write about a pet peeve of mine. It is the "Parenting" vs. "Raising Children" issue. I believe that the concept of "parenting" is one that has been created by my generation. Believe me, my parents did not "parent". Nor did their friends. They raised their children and lived their own adult lives.
The term "parenting" is parent-centered. It focuses on the parent and what the parent is doing. "Raising Children" focuses on children and how they are going to become productive adults and citizens. My parents raised two daughters. They led by example. They guided and taught. They also maintained their own adult lives and relationships and did grown-up things: dinners out with friends, work functions, volunteer responsibilities, etc. They hired babysitters when they needed or wanted to go out. They did not attend any of my practices and few, if any of my games or activities. Nor my sister's. Not because they didn't love us or support our interests, but because they knew and understood that the interests belonged to my sister and I and not them. They did not fight my battles with friends or teachers, rather they advised me on how to handle issues and conflicts. They were strong role models. They encouraged me to get jobs, work on school breaks and to go to college. The road was rough at times. And fraught with potholes. But they focused on the goal of making my sister and I independent, productive adults.
Today's parents are different. They talk about "Parenting". It has become a verb. They focus on what they are doing for their children. They are parenting. They focus so exclusively on their children and their children's wants and needs that they have no lives outside their own kids/nuclear family. I hear so many friends talk about how they spend their weekends and evenings going to soccer/ football/ swimming/ hockey/ dancing practice /games/tournaments/recitals. They don't go out with their spouses or friends to dinner, movies, for drinks, parties, etc. Their acquaintances are their children's teammates or childrens' friends' parents. Their social life is centered on hanging out at their kids' practices and even attending games that their child refs or umps. REALLY? You watch them do their job? Kinda like watching your kid gather carts at Wegmans, don't you think? They do so many things for their children, that their kids are not independent and can barely function on their own. They fight their kids' battles by calling other kids and their parents, writing notes to teachers about mundane things like who is friends with who and "why didn't my child get chosen to pass out napkins for snack?", calling school to ask what is for lunch. They fund so many sports and activities, wants and "needs" (what kid needs a media-capable cell phone?) that they can't afford dinner, babysitters, weekends away, or even essentials. And trust me, very few of these kids are going to get scholarship money and even fewer are going to become wealthy professional athletes or Olympians. They try to be their kids' friends and to be friends with their kids' friends. They are not good role models of what adults are supposed to be and do not show their kids how to have adult relationships.
I feel like the black sheep of my group of peers. I don't hang out and watch my childrens' sports practices. I pick up and drop off. I try to encourage the kids to carpool and to make the arrangements themselves. I don't go to all the games. Some, but not all. Watching children run around the soccer field or play machine pitch baseball (7 balls before a strike out) is not that enthralling. (Admit it, you secretly agree with me). For the most part, all this stuff (in my opinion) is well organized and supervised play dates. I certainly don't sit through a little league baseball game that my kid is umpiring. He is working. It's his JOB. I'm not about to watch him bag groceries or wash cars. I don't fight my kids battles. I talk to them about how they may chose to deal with an issue with a friend or a teacher, but I rarely step in. They need to own the problem(s) and solve them. Because of all this, I am not a part of the "in-crowd". You know them, the moms who hang out at soccer, at PTA, at the baseball field. The fathers who you wonder how they have all this time to spend on the field or the sidelines.. Adults who wear their children's school/team colors and logos. (How long ago did YOU graduate from High School?) I feel like an outcast. But trust me, I am OK with this. I also (gasp) hire babysitters who (gasp) are not family. I go out with friends, on dates, and on my own. I go away for weekends when I have an opportunity. My children are limited to one sport a season. Discussions are had about limits and what we can and cannot afford to do/have. I let my children know I love them, but I also have a life. They are important and so am I.
I believe in raising my children to be productive, independent citizens. I want them to go forth and be happy. I want them to understand that happiness comes from confidence which comes from independence and experience. I also plan on having a life once they are on their own being grown-ups. I hope I do not sound selfish. Some people may think that I am. Personally, I think THEY are. They are holding their children so close and centering their lives so much on their children that they are deriving their own identity from them. In short, they are living vicariously through their kids. What pressure that must put on their offspring.
I fear what my peers, my generation and those under us are creating. I worry that we are creating a generation of people who are so used to being the center of things that they will not be able to function in a group setting such as a work environment, a part of a couple, a part of a team. That they will not be able to solve problems. That they will not be able to handle disappointment. In short, that they will be immature, spoiled brats. Scary thought.
Ok, time to put my soap box back under the bed. And maybe even hide under it for a while.
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